Sports Banter generally analyses those supreme athletes with minimal body fat, resting heart rates of 30 and biceps that have some decent definition!  Instead this article looks at the Sydney BRW Triathlon and focuses on 14 amateurs from William Buck whose body types are more varied than the colour spectrum of a rainbow.

For many of us, BRW Triathlon training started with the introduction of daylight savings in October last year.  We dusted off the joggers, pulled on the Speedos and had the BMX spokes spinning faster than Charlie Sheen’s head after a cocktail of cocaine, gin and 3 dozen hookers.

The intense training included morning runs, ocean swims and punishing bike rides.  This regime lasted 2 weeks before a hiatus of 6 months and a tapering off period in the week leading up to the big event. 

So who was favourite to take out the coveted title of No. 1 William Buck triathlete?  Bryony Vandepeear, Sean Wengal and myself were all sniffing around for a victory after impressive performances in past years.  7 rookies however had the bookies scratching their heads since they had no form on the board.  Given the form guide never helps me anyway Andrew Lynch and I decided to bet Bryony Vandepeear and Todd Want $100 each.  I figured it was easy money!

The start of the BRW Triathlon for William Buck saw two regular combatants of Steven Rooke and Paul Collins hit the water first.  Both were regarded as two of William Buck’s better swimmers, which is atrocious given their training regime resembled the story line of a Seinfeld episode… nothing!!  It should have been funny watching them regret their training habits however both eased around the course with no sign of any real discomfort.

Bryony, Todd and Simon Robinson were next on the course.  Simon punched out an incredible 6 minute swim – 45 seconds quicker than Bryony, and Todd wasn’t even in the ball park.  Although Simon denies this, I believe he tucked into some coffee and biscuits while in the transition area because Bryony exited first and completely dominated from there on.  Todd was also impressive, especially on the bike where he resembled Alberto Contador.  Just like Contador, Todd is surrounded by suspicions of performance enhancing drugs, given his speed across the course was slightly too impressive for my liking.  Andrew Lynch and I will heading the investigation!

As the first two waves of William Buck competitors punched out the km’s the remainder of us stayed on the sidelines, trying to encourage, sledge and avoid the nerves that were slowly creeping into our stomachs like a dirty batch of Chinese.

Like previous years we sat near the bike dismount line, always an entertaining spot causing several crashes as people looked like drunken idiots attempting to dismount their bike in time.  The occasional crash provided some light entertainment however it didn’t help the anxiety levels.

Further crashes were slightly more serious, with one guy returning from the course with grazes on both thighs, chunks out of each elbow and claret streaming down his face.  As he picked out the remaining pieces of gravel from his teeth the rest of us prepared for the beginning of our race.

We bunched at waters edge with the Opera House and Harbour Bridge in the background.  Once in the water the starter siren went and it was a shit fight to find a space of water that didn’t involve 3 separate feet jabbing you in the face repeatedly.  Within 30 seconds everything seemed to sort itself out as the faster swimmers reached the front, while the weak slowly flapped around like a stupid Labrador who had managed to find deep water.  I can only assume the nearby sharks were simply too embarrassed to snatch such an easy meal.

Fortunately, William Buck had produced a decent batch of swimmers with Cameron leading the way.  Cameron smashed the swim in 5 minutes but also decided to hydrate throughout the swim leg by taking on several litres of harbour water.  Melissa on the otherhand had more commonsense and decided sea water wasn’t the best option – as such her head didn’t enter the water until halfway through the swim.

Jump out of the water and it was an easy 500 meter run up hill, up stairs, over rocks, sticks and dirt to the transition area.  Throw on some shoes and helmet, grab the bike and hit the road.  Surprisingly, Emma Dutfield decided to use her own bike for the ride instead of steeling someone else’s.  If you saw her bike you would understand!  More rust than paint, gears suspect and breaks that only worked with a combination of an uphill slope!  Despite these constraints Emma managed to post a good time on the bike which could have been 2 or 3 minutes quicker if she didn’t have a bike that had been gifted through 4 generations of Dutfield’s.

Surprisingly it wasn’t Emma’s bike which packed it in, it was Melissa’s.  The pedal fell off and when she needed a Ferrari pit crew team all she got was one guy who took 20 minutes.  It was a good effort to stay on the course though, if that happened to anyone else they would have been at Town Hall train station kicking bins in disgust by the time the bike was ready to get back on the course.

Get off the bike and its a 4km run to the finish.  By this time the William Buck competitors remaining on the course were relatively spread out with the exception of Sean and I.  It was shoulder to shoulder for most of the run, both jostling for position.  With 2km remaining Sean decided to ramp up the pace, I counted however with some sort of Ali rope-a-dope move that put 10 – 15 meters between us.  With nothing left in the tank I only had 2 options if Sean caught me again; trip him or let him go.  With 1 km remaining Sean again pulled up to my left shoulder.  I decided to drift inside and tripped him by ‘accident’.  He hit the surface with blood spurting everywhere and the possibly of a few broken bones…. compound fractures if I was lucky!  Once that little daydream had played out, I noticed Sean had kicked away by 50 meters.  For the second time running he had trumped me at the end!

As everyone crossed the finish line a few surprising times were being set.  Firstly, Sam Freeman had decided to smash his P.B. by almost 10 minutes.  Once again Lynch and I will be heading up a drug investigation!

Cameron Bladwell strolled across the line in 46 minutes.  Slower than expected after his dolphin like swim but we should consider he spewed no less than 7 times on the bike.  Thankfully, Cam didn’t wash the spew off his leg for at least half an hour after the race finished so we could all see the effect of swallowing sea water.

Andrew Lynch crossed the line in 53 minutes.  Awesome time considering Rugby Union props and hookers don’t do Triathlons.  In fact, if you mentioned a triathlon to Phil Waugh or Al Baxter you would be an idiot not to expect a flurry of upper cuts.  Despite this, Lynch had a good performance through all 3 legs and I’m sure he didn’t mind having to get out of bed at 5 am, pay $70 to participate and lose $100 to Bryony and Todd.

Paul Ritchie and Nick Navarra – not really sure what happened here.  Two athletic builds with plenty of pace over a short distance.  Maybe they should consult Todd and Sam for some performance enhancing drugs, however questions have to be asked if these two jokers actually pushed themselves.  I managed to see both soon after they finished and they looked fine.  In fact, neither looked puffed while everyone else was still blowing a gale or scrapping the remaining pieces of spew from their month.

No question however the day belonged to Bryony.  A good swim, awesome bike ride and solid run.  Both Bryony and Todd definitely deserved the $100 despite feeling like I was being stabbed multiple times in the back as I handed over the pineapples.

Anyway, I’ve tried to include everyone in this stupid article so it keeps getting longer and longer and consequently worse and worse.  There is nothing more to say except everyone had a good day and we will be back next year, with more money on the line!

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